The Heroine In this Journey: On merging two households

When I first started telling people (read: other women) that my parents were moving in with us, their first reaction was, "Whoa." with a look that a person might give if I had just told them I was going to hike Mount Washington, alone in the middle of winter, with no training. One of the first questions they asked was, "Do you and your mom get along?" or, "So are you and your mom close?" One person even said, " Well I guess it's okay since it's your mom cause you can say mean things to her." Maybe what she meant was that I could get angry with her and not feel self-conscious about letting her know?

It may be hard to understand, but when I thought about my parents moving to NH to live us with us, my overriding concern was not that our household would implode with intergenerational scrapping, but that they would not be able to tolerate New England winter. Because I really REALLY wanted it to work for them, and thought if I could just find a way to keep them warm and happy through the 4 months of the cold, gray, bucket of suck (google boredpanda.com and you'll find it), everything would work out. Whether or not my mom and I could find a way to work together didn't make its way to the forefront of my concerns. They've previously visited for up to 3 weeks and everything was fine, so I didn't see any reason to go looking for trouble.

Maybe that's a good thing, because almost 3 months into it, I am incredibly thankful at how things seem to be moving along. Before they moved out, I did ask Mom whether 1) would she mind if Mike and I went out for a date night once in a while, 2) would she mind staying home with 2 kids if I had to drop the 3rd off at dance class or take them to music lesson, and her answer was, "of course not! Am I going to be doing nothing once I'm out there??" And, "Of course I'll help you with dinner too." So as soon as they arrived, she pitched right in, asking when I needed help, what was my plan for dinner, what the kids were doing that day, etc, etc. Last weekend when we moved wood into the basement, she helped with the stacking and was an integral part of keeping up the pace of the pipeline:

Without keeping score, it feels like an even trade off for taking them to their doctor appts, navigating paperwork and phone calls, and helping her ride herd on Dad.

Still, there are times when I feel like MY family has become OUR family, and it's for the better. My kids are eating way more veggies than ever, because apparently Amah's secret sauce is the hook. 2 days ago I was about to combine two sets of leftovers, but decided against it because the kids would take one look at it and say," You made this didn't you, not Amah?" and not touch it, because Amah doesn't do weird experiments like combine beef stew with lentil cauliflower soup. Because Mom is used to the bounty of Southern California fruits, our diet now includes things like fresh pineapple, pomogranates, Kobucha, items that I have previously avoided because well, it just seems like a lot of WORK. Red/green bean with tapioca is now a standard dessert that lives in the fridge

Last Sunday night I sat down to prep for my first It's a GAS session, where I teach a unit on an artist to one of my kids' classes. To do this I was drawing and cutting 17 sets of tree trunks and foliage to paste on to sheets of paper. Normally when I do these things, Mike just heads upstairs. On this night Mom took pity on me and started cutting out all the foliage, so eventually he sat down and started cutting too. It's little things like this that have started to change in our house.

On Friday Mom decided to make another batch of guacamole. Ever since she discovered The Gift loved her homemade guac, she decided to keep doing this, and she was leaving 3 avocados out to ripen all week. Unfortunately they had all gone bad, and we had to tell The Gift there wasn't going to be any guac with dinner. She looked so disappointed that after I dropped off her off at ballet I went off to the store and bought 3 avocados. Then I went home and said to Mom, "I brought home 3 avocados, do you think you could still make the guac? Because The Gift was so disappointed we weren't going to have it." Now she had been busy doing something with Dad but when she heard I had 3 avocados she was so excited she said, "Oh yeah, I can make it right now!" And here she is:

The last few days have been incredibly challenging for Mom. Dad is just random sometimes, getting up at lot at night, thinking it's time to start the day when it's only 3am, having his second accident on a Sunday morning (10 minutes before we are supposed to leave the house). I can hear it in her voice that she is beyond frustrated with Dad, wondering out loud why he won't cooperate for just once. Yet today after church she said that she wants to stay here if she can, and I know she is thinking about Dad when she says this.  I know what she wants is to stay where we are, because she can depend on Mike and me. Yet we know the only reason this is workable is because of HER. She is the one who is giving Dad his assisted living and memory care. It's clear to us that if Dad were to go into a facility alone he would already be beyond assisted living. So whatever we can do to back her up until it's clear Dad needs nursing care, maybe we can do it. Because we are emotionally a few steps removed, we don't feel the same level of frustration or emotional drain. Having the kids around is a welcome distraction for both of them. Dad laughs at all of their dinner table antics, and from what Mom says Miss Sparky is a real hoot. And she herself is just not ready to live in a senior home. "Everyone looks SO OLD." Mike and I, well, we are finally reaping the benefits of having Amah nearby, heck, on site!

So, if you've read this far, please say a prayer for Mom, for continued strength, and new ways to enjoy life out here in the wilds of NH. And say a prayer for the rest of us, that we'll continue to count our blessings for this new blended family.

T