Dad Tries Daycare

This afternoon Mom told me two anecdotes about us during our childhood. 1) When one of my sisters was very young (I assume less than 5), she refused to go to the bathroom anywhere except at home. If they were out and she had to go, she wouldn't use the public bathroom, she would just sit there and say nothing was coming out. 2) When I first started Kindergarten, I did not do a single thing all morning. For the first two weeks I sat in a chair clutching a small shoebox and just watched the other kids doing various activities.

Mom told these stories in part to explain Dad's experience today at daycare. He had a shortened trial day at the Adult Day Center at Easter Seals. Dad was placed in the Atrium, a secure room for seniors who are fragile or isolated, but also for people who have Alzheimer's and Dementia. We visited the day center on Monday and thought it might be a fun way for Dad to spend several hours each day, as well as a break for Mom. When we dropped him off, a bunch of female staff greeted him warmly, and he was more than happy to shake their hand and laugh. We told the director Dad hadn't gone to the bathroom since breakfast (it was now after 10am), so please remind him to go soon. As we were driving away Mom wondered if Dad would have a good time, then said, "Oh why not, all those young ladies gathered around him!" I said,"he'll have all this attention focused on him, activities to do, and a good lunch! What's not to like?"

Mom went to pick Dad up on her own because I had to be somewhere else, so I didn't hear anything until I got home. Apparently Dad did not use the bathroom all day, in spite of their hints. So the director told Mom she could take Dad to the restroom that was in the hallway outside the Atrium. She accompanied them to the restroom, and waited outside while Mom took Dad in. He proceeded to pee the longest stream ever.

We have run into this before, where Dad clearly needs to go but doesn't want to use the public restroom. He's willing enough if it's someplace familiar, like Costco, or church, but that's only to pee. For a bowel movement he HAS to go home. We've had to hustle home from church before, and once when Mom and Dad went with Mike to test drive a car, I had to go and pick up Dad and bring him home because he really had to go but said,"I'm not familiar with the bathrooms here."

I asked Mom what he did today, and she said, "All he did was wander around, watching what everyone else was doing. When he saw people doing puzzles, he laughed and said, 'I do this at home!' Otherwise he never said a word. And he repeatedly went to the front door, and tried to leave, maybe to find us and go home." She said the director asked if Dad was accustomed to going out and socializing with other people and when told no, Dad mostly stayed at home she nodded and said it would take a few times for Dad to get used to being at the day center, and the new routine.

Then she told the anecdotes from our childhood and finished up by saying, "you two are just like Dad in some ways." My memories of Kindergarten are few and dim, so I don't recall this experience, but "slow to warm up," was how I felt in most new situations when I was a kid. I am still this way as a grownup, but have learned to override it and keep it internal.

It's going to take a week to process all of his medical paperwork (parents who've always worked fulltime, is this what you go through to put your child in daycare??), and then Dad will start going twice a week. I suspect it may take a month or longer for him to start feeling comfortable with going and hanging out with other people who aren't his family members. On the surface I think eventually Dad will adjust and it will work out for everyone, but in the back of my mind I wonder if there's something about this setup that is just not going to sit right with Dad. You never know how he's going to react to something, but one thing I've learned is that even when his reasoning sounds completely irrational, it's consistent with the rest of his personal logic. I learned this while dealing with Elfgirl, who can seem completely unreasonable at times. Once you sit her down and get her to explain (at length) what is bugging her and why, it makes complete sense when you look at it from her point of view, which is not like everyone else's point of view! Communicating with Dad is going to be much harder, since he is prone to be narrowly repetitive, but Mom has been able to get things from him before, in bits and pieces, and using some deduction. Hopefully we will be able to do it again as we go along.