We All Visit Daycare

This week the kids are off on winter break. Because of a confluence of factors, Mom, the kids, and I went to pick up Dad from daycare today. When we got to the parking lot, I asked them, "Do you guys want to go in or do you want to stay in the car?" "Oh we want to go!" To date, only Elfgirl has gone with me to pick Dad up from daycare, and at that time we did not enter the Atrium, which is the secure room where Dad spends the day. This time, to my surprise, the nurse in charge opened the door wide and invited all of us in. "He just finishing his snack with everyone," she said. So we walked in, and everyone was sitting in the back of the room in groups of 4 around card tables, eating fig newtons. Dad wasn't done yet, so I said, "well let's let him finish." However, I didn't realize that the kids would cause such a stir. Immediately people started smiling and waving at us. Actually, they were waving at the kids. One woman started beckoning at them insistently with a huge smile. The kids were focused on Dad and didn't realize they were suddenly the center of attention until I said, "People are saying hi, you should say hi back." So they turned to everyone and waved, but I saw their eyes jumping around and knew they suddenly didn't know what to do. Elfgirl looked like she wanted to crawl into a hole, Sparky went blank, only Gift looked a little shy but normal. When the beckoning lady didn't stop I asked the nurse, "do you often have kids visit?" and she said, "Oh no, we almost never have kids come here, that's why they're so happy to see you!" I asked if it was permissible to go over to talk to them, and she said, "oh yes, it's no problem." So I herded the kids over to the beckoning lady's table and said hello, made small talk. I asked them questions about lunch, and to my surprise they were able to answer very clearly. One lady saw Gift with her book and started asking questions about it, asked her if she could take a look at it. To her credit Gift answered her questions like she would have to any other adult and handed the book over. The woman looked it over and was so happy, about what exactly I don't know but she thanked Gift so nicely. Then I saw Dad was ready to go so I said goodbye to the group and we walked away.

As it turned out Dad had to go to the bathroom so while we were waiting I talked to the kids about how everyone in the room was a little different. Even though the Atrium is for people with dementia, some of them are not that far along and talk pretty normally, others might seem a little odd. I think the beckoning lady was freaking out Elfgirl a little, but as long as we were all together she managed to stay pretty calm.

I don't know if the kids will want to go back. When I told Mike later about what happened I said, "They probably won't do that again," meaning ask to go in. But who knows, after some dust settles they might change their mind. Right now they only see dementia through Akong, and I thought it would be a good thing for them to see folks at different stages and realize not all are the same. I just told Gift the other day that her other grandmother also has Alzheimer's and she said, "Oh! But she acts.....normal." "That's because she at a much earlier stage," I said. We haven't told the younger two, and probably won't unless/until they ask. But Gift is that older, not so much in years as in maturity. She is able to express her discomfort with what she sees, yet at the same time push past her discomfort enough to move on. Elfgirl is not there yet, and I know that Dad's behaviors, especially at the table, make her very uncomfortable. In a way she is our measuring stick for how much we think the kids can handle. I always acknowledge and validate their feelings while encouraging them to look past the thing that makes them uncomfortable as much as they can. Mike has mentioned having the kids eat separately from Dad if his table behavior starts to get too weird; we'll have to wait and see what "too weird," is. Sigh. Every day, every week, their tolerance gets pushed a little more.