Three weeks and change since Dad's passing, I've lost count of the number of expressions of sympathy, EMPATHY, and "How are you doing? How is your Mom?" I've gotten. The first Sunday after was hard. Mom asked me to thank the church for all of their support. "I can't do it, I never know what to say, and I'll start crying anyway, so you do it." Thanks Mom! I got up during the time of prayer and of course I didn't get past, "My mom and family would like," before my windpipe got stuck. Somehow I made it through, and I'm thankful, because I meant all of the expressions of appreciation and more. After worship a recent widow came to give me a hug. She had lost her husband somewhat suddenly only a few weeks before. I can't fully describe how it felt when she enveloped me into her arms and held on tight. I told her, "you know, it's not that I'm sad, even though I guess I am. I am just overwhelmed by how many people care, and how much they care. I never realized how much people DO care, and when it came home to me, it was just too much." And she nodded her head in full agreement, "It IS overwhelming, knowing how much people care. But they DO care, and their care will help you through this."
What's been going on since that day? Well, life I suppose. That's one thing about having a family, esp. with younger children. Life goes on, whether you are ready for it or not. Kids need to be fed, they need help with their homework, rides to dance class, hugs and kisses before bed, to be yelled at when they get too annoying. Mom has gone along for that ride. Suddenly freed from having to go feed Dad twice/three times a day, she helps make dinner. Sometimes she MAKES dinner. And she's back to de facto babysitter when Mike and I need to go out. A couple of weeks ago she helped someone with their math homework.
One less desirable result of losing a spouse, esp. a primary spouse, is the process of making sure all of your official paperwork reflects your new status correctly without losing any of your benefits. We have had to inform social security of Dad's death, and apply for spousal benefits. We also spent several extremely frustrating days trying to figure out why, when one spouse dies, their entire insurance coverage account gets disenrolled, forcing the surviving spouse to navigate the formal process of reapplying. In the end, everything was straightened out, but this is yet another example of what happens when two bureaucracies bungle their communication, when the administrator of health coverage is not the provider, and yet a third body is responsible for prescription drug coverage. Too many layers between a single person and their benefits results in frantic phone calls and sleepless nights.
Mom is also experiencing some release from months of tension. When I come to the sudden end of a stressful period, I get sick, and it appears Mom is no different. 3 days ago she had an appointment with her PCP, where she was diagnosed with a double ear infection. Then she was given a pneumonia booster, which resulted in such an adverse reaction that I had to take her to urgent care that evening because she couldn't move her swollen arm. Today, partway through a course of steroids and antibiotic ear drops (I had no idea they were a thing!), she is feeling so much better that she went out and pruned our fruit trees. For the record, I haven't touched them since I planted them 3 years ago.
Aside from the everyday routine, my siblings and I continue see and feel Dad's presence. My brother and youngest sister have had dreams about Dad, and I have heard his voice talking and laughing just before sleep. Some of these "visions," end in tears, and in all of them his presence is so real.
Last week I had just finished making dinner and told my kids, "Go upstairs and tell Akong and Amah it's time to eat." Elfgirl said, "what? Akong's not here." When I corrected myself, she said, "It's sad Akong's not here anymore," even though he had not been here at home for months. And yet sometimes he's very much here, in my head, telling me all the things he used to tell me.
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